Hacker Cinema
Just Friends
2005 · Film · 94 min
Directed by Roger Kumble
While visiting his hometown during Christmas, a man comes face-to-face with his old high school crush whom he was best friends with – a woman whose rejection of him turned him into a ferocious womanizer.
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I was pleasantly surprised by this particular entry (at least the currently held top responder, the 5' tall guy).
I saw one element that struck home with me:
I also get to hear female friends go on about what jerks all men are, how they cheat, aren't trustworthy, etc
It stood because I learned the hard way that when you are that guy you're the brother she never had or (put in the "Friend Zone" [hat top to the movie "Just Friends"]). The problem is that excessive assertiveness by people of limited height tends to come off as "Napoleon Syndrome" (HNers know Napoleon wasn't actually short, but I'm guessing my point was made properly (-:).
HN tends toward problem solving, and I had the confidence problem, myself. I am not short, but I am probably in the bottom 25% of the "attractive scale". I'm a very skinny, non-muscularly developed male. I have an egg shaped head and various other features that my bride (of 7 years, who happens to be a three inches short of 5', likes to joke about). I was terrified of rejection from women because I had been rejected a few times previously and ... really, it sucks.
I can't take credit for all of this because I had read something "way back when" that led me to this plan. I did it. It worked for me.
First, I wrote out the plan. This was important because it reinforced that I was solving a problem in a non-personal nature (think serial killer saying "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again"). At least once per day (ultimately turned into several times in a two day span), I would subject myself to female rejection in every way, and I would accept it graciously.
I had been juggling one "friend I had hoped would be my girlfriend" and it wasn't working out, so I started there. I explained that I had feelings for her in clear language (I believe the words were "I've been hanging around with you as a friend in hopes that you would date me"). I apologized for not making that clear in the first place (the whole graciously part kicks in. This was, in my mind, a lie). I got rejected. We also ceased to be friends. In the long run, it was a good decision.
Baby steps: I went to the bar (really, a club). I used to triumphantly say that I'd never want to have met my wife in a bar. This was a cop-out, and I found clubbing to be a great sandbox environment for this reason (I don't "want" to meet my wife in a bar, so if they reject me, it's all a big experiment). I don't dance, not even now. I went there with one of my friends (significantly more attractive, despite being as skinny). He actually took home one of the girls who had rejected me (really badly, with the whole "how dare you hit on me at a bar on ladies night when I got half-off drinks and no cover charge and you had to pay for the privilege of me berating you [yes, still a little bitter about that]). I struck out -- continuously -- mercilessly -- and the first several times it was seriously one of the biggest ego-killers I'd experienced (though, the amount of concentration it took to keep a cool head actually softened the blow for me).
There were, however, the few wins. I got a couple of good dates out of women I met at the club (no real connections). I was (naively) surprised to find that there are women at clubs who are there because they can't find another socially acceptable place to be "picked up" (look for the ones who aren't drinking very much and lack the ring or the arm-attached boyfriend).
The practical upshot of all of this was the usual story of how to gain a life skill (confidence, not womanizing). It was highly awkward, painful and resulted in a lot of failure. But I'm happily married going on 8 years as a result of it. And the experience increased confidence in communicating with others across the board.
EDIT: phrasing wasn't ideal.
What is weird about the Facebook Movie trailer is that it seems to play out like 'Revenge of the Jocks'. Sorkin has all kinds of cutting one-liners in there directed at Zuckerberg, with the overarching frame an assault on the manners and character of the nouveau riche nerd.
For example:
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/media/movie-wont-exactly-put-a-happy-face-on-zuckerberg/story-e6frg996-1225867479280
The film, set for release in October, starts on the night of February 4, 2004, when Zuckerberg, then 19, is dumped in a Harvard bar by his girlfriend, Erica.
She tells him he will "go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a tech geek". The reality, she says, is rather more upsetting. "I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole."
OUCH. That's particularly brutal because the implication is that there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow if you're a tech nerd. The standard "deal" offered by American society is that smart kids who are high school outcasts nevertheless end up on top after college, while the football captain who dunked them into garbage cans winds up pumping gas.
While Hollywood exaggerates this "deal" in movies like Just Friends (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433400/), it legitimately does reflect a real feature of American life. It's basically the concession that an otherwise anti-intellectual society makes to keep its roads running and internets-a-whirring so that it may continue worshipping Lebron James and Tom Brady on gameday.
But Sorkin's story is one in which huge VP bizdev jocks aren't just better looking, but also better people. Morality and popularity[1] during school years are no longer inversely correlated in this tale. The outsider is not just a social outcast, but the bad guy.
I'd wager this is a hard pill to swallow for many of the people on this forum. Zuckerberg built a legendary engineering operation and a multibillion dollar company only to find himself portrayed as an evil nerd who deserves the harsh treatment he receives from women and society at large.
Screw that.
If I were Mark, I'd be sorely tempted to fund a movie biopic about Sorkin that puts him under the microscope and goes into his past as a crack cocaine addict (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aaron_Sorkin#Personal_life). Turnabout is only fair play.
[1] PG's essay on why they should inversely correlate is worthwhile reading; in short, high school popularity requires spending your time on zero sum activities:
http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html